I Loved You First
by DarkRose Dilettante
Summary: When she realised this was the end, it was already too late. And now she drowns...drowns in the absolute nothingness he leaves behind.


**Hiya! Told you all I'd be back soon! This was the story I had waiting to go through it's final edit after I finished my last little collection of fics. I guess I actually wrote this some time ago when I was feeling like writing a sad-ish story. And I hope I got the mood of it right, because I don't usually write stories with a melancholic feel.**

**So, here it is! Hope you like it :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rozen Maiden or any of its characters.**

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_**I Loved You First**_

Today was _their _day.

Yes, perhaps, Shinku acknowledged, the stinging pang in her heart was bitterness. A consuming, overwhelming bitterness that drowned her in hopelessness and desperation. Frowning, she sighed and shook her head. How graceless and unsightly these feelings were – not something a Rozen Maiden capable of perfection should be experiencing.

It was Jun's wedding day.

Technically, she should be happy. Wasn't that the general mood surrounding a wedding? Celebrating the joining of a couple; a sacred vow to unite two people who loved each other. Why, then, did Shinku feel so incredibly, disastrously pained? Her feelings were all in turmoil; she felt bitter, confused, angry, desperate, hopeless, miserable…and on top of it all was a tugging guilt simply because she was feeling anything _but_ happy for Jun and Tomoe.

It wasn't like she hadn't been expecting this. Still, time had passed by much faster than Shinku realised. When had they grown from friends into lovers? Had she realised when the first seeds of that relationship began to grow?

Not that it really mattered, anyway. There was nothing she could do about it; she was a doll. Jun was a human. It was only right that he would fall in love and marry another human, too. She couldn't really blame him. She'd had plenty of time to prepare herself. And yet, somehow she knew no matter how many years she might have been given beforehand, it would not have been enough for her to come to terms with this.

_Maybe I always knew something like this would happen…_

_I knew…_

_And yet, I hoped…_

She couldn't breathe.

_Was there really nothing between us?_

She had thought, perhaps foolishly, that she would be all right. She had always been good at controlling her emotions thus far, but this time, she had reached her limit. How could she still be fine after she was about to lose everything? Jun had always been there for her. He'd said she had always been the most important person in his life. But now, he was moving on. He'd found another path to take – one that would lead him further away from her, and she couldn't help but feel lost without him.

_Was it impossible, after all, for a doll and a human…?_

It felt like succumbing to the dreaded slumber that all the Rozen Maiden feared when they wound down, only Shinku was wide awake.

Yes, that was what it was – a waking nightmare. She felt more alone than ever before. In him, she had gained so much, but that only made it worse when she lost him. She cursed it – how he had become her medium.

_Was hoping for a miracle just a waste of time?_

If she'd never met him, she would never have found so much; she would never have had so much to let go of. If she had never met him, she would be the same as she had once been – cold and empty. She supposed she had always been alone. But it was only now, after she'd met him, cherished being with him, and now was about to be left by him, that she understood what it truly meant to be lonely.

_It seems I am the same as Hinaichigo, after all._

Even though she was still fighting, deep inside she'd given up the purpose of Alice a long time ago, in exchange for a new meaning to her existence. Now that she was going to lose that, what was she supposed to do?

As her medium, Shinku had always been Jun's priority, but now Tomoe had probably become the most important person in Jun's life. They were in love after all. There was no more room for Shinku. She could no longer hold a place in his life. He had his own dreams and aspirations, as a human, to pursue, didn't he? Like all humans, he would probably be looking forward to settling down, maybe building a family…

There was no room for her in all that.

Shinku turned at the sound of the door suddenly opening, and the one person she wished she wouldn't have to face today walked right in.

"Jun." She winced. A sharp pang ran through her chest, as if she had just been speared through the heart. It was even more painful than Suigintou tearing her arm off, and yet no matter how much Shinku wanted to scream at him, no matter how much she wanted to cry, she had to keep her face level.

"Shinku? I thought you were supposed to be with Nori and the others," Jun said, fiddling with his bow tie, looking a little surprised to see her. He seemed to be unsettled for a few moments, but then regained his composure.

She inspected him silently. He certainly had grown, in the last few years. His boyish features had matured into those of a young man. His face had lost the remains of its childish roundness, sharpening into a clear, clean-cut visage. Shinku had to admit, he looked quite good in a tuxedo.

"No, I wanted to watch for a bit from up here," she replied after watching him for some time. Standing in front of this second-storey window, she could look down at the wedding party in the garden below. "What are you doing here, Jun? Shouldn't you be down there getting ready?" It took almost everything she had to keep her voice normal.

"I could ask the same of you."

An awkward silence ensued, in which they merely stared at each other.

"Well, to be honest, I was just thinking of spending a bit of time alone, before…you know…" Jun spoke first, voice trailing off.

"Shall I leave you to yourself, then?" She began to move away.

"No!" His cry came out sounding louder and more forcibly than he intended, and he quickly corrected himself. "I mean…could you stay with me…for a bit?"

Shinku stared at him for a few moments before turning back to look out the window. The stabbing pain in her chest only increased every moment she spent in his company. And yet, she felt drawn to that pain. She wanted to leave, but was really unable to desert him. She relished this pain – as proof of her feelings; proof that, despite the fact that she was a doll, she was more than capable of loving just as deeply as a human.

_I'm certain…these feelings are true._

"You shouldn't be in here, Jun. She's getting ready in one of the rooms," Shinku said flatly, not looking at him. "You know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the…marriage." She felt herself flinch inwardly. _Marriage._ She wanted to pull that word out of the air and tear it up.

_Tear it up and throw it away._

"Shinku?"

She tilted her head towards him slightly. With an enormous amount of effort, she managed to smile, but it was wrong, and never reached her eyes.

_Do you know how much I want to say those words to you?_

"Well, as your master, I suppose I should be congratulating you."

_Do you know how badly I want to tell you right now?_

"After all, Jun, it's not every day you get married. Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in your life, and the end of an old."

_The end…for me. The end of our time._

Jun smiled back at her uncertainly as she turned back to the window, resting her hand lightly on the glass.

"Y-yeah…what are you trying to say, Shinku?"

_If only you knew._

"Well, I suppose now you have someone more important to make tea for other than myself. It's fine, I'm willing to excuse you every now and then." Unexpectedly, Jun laughed.

"Making tea for you will always be the most important, Shinku. I know how irritated you get when you don't get your tea."

His laughter...those words…for some reason, they hurt her the most. And yet, she couldn't help but smile. That would be her existence for the rest of her life; to always smile, despite the fact she was dying inside, despite how he was slowly killing her at this moment, just by speaking to her, being near her. Just smile. Bitterly, angrily, desperately, hopelessly, just smile at this facade which will be the death of her.

_I wish more than anything in the world you weren't my medium…but I wouldn't want anyone else in the world but you._

She would treasure it. The last moments he spent with her before he was gone. The final moments she could say that he was _hers_ before he became _Tomoe's, _before he started a new life that had no room or place for her. The last time he could belong to her and her alone.

_How selfish I am. _

She would treasure it forever, with all her heart, and hate it forever, with everything she had.

Shinku's attempts to comfort herself were useless; she couldn't help but think that, at that moment, she couldn't care less about becoming Alice. If Suigintou were to turn up now and demand her Rosa Mystica, she admitted, she would probably have gladly handed it over.

_What a selfish love. _

She traced a pattern on the window with her finger. Like this glass, she was fragile. A single blow could shatter her. And yet, why couldn't he see through her as easily as he was able to see through this glass?

_He deserves better._

"I'm sure you'll be happy, Jun," Shinku said, her face turned away, hidden from him, looking out to the garden. He didn't see how the tears that had risen unbidden to her eyes blurred her vision and threatened to spill over. It was stupid, really, she thought – how she was pretending to look out the window but couldn't even see anything with her eyes misted over like that.

"You love each other very much, don't you? Because of that, I'm sure you and Tomoe will be very happy together." Those words that came out of her own mouth were killing her. She was dying from the inside.

"Thank you, I guess…" came Jun's quiet, uncertain reply. Why did she have her back to him? Why was she avoiding his eyes?

"I'm certain you'll be happy," she repeated, and then after that, so quietly he had to strain to hear it, "…even though…"

"Even though what?" He asked in the same quiet, strangely gentle voice, wondering when he'd ever be able to fully understand his doll, still so odd and mysterious to him even after all this time.

"Nothing. It's just that I…" Shinku whispered.

"Oh crap, look at the time, I've got to go. You'd better come down soon too, Shinku." She stopped, like time had frozen. Like her world had come collapsing on top of her, without him to hold her up.

He left too suddenly to hear the final words she tried to say to him before the end came.

He was gone, and the room was empty. He'd left her, and her heart was empty.

She was drowning in this loneliness threatening to consume her whole. She was suffocating in this silence that swallowed the words she had always wanted to say to him, the words she would give anything for them to be heard by him. She was falling, and he would never again be there to catch her. It was too late. Like the way her tears fell only on the hard, cold floor, her voice was swallowed by the hollow, insensitive silence that could not even answer her. It was futile. Hopeless. The words which she had said finally, at the very last moment might as well have been left unspoken because there was no way, ever, that Jun would ever hear them, now or any time in the future.

"_You love each other very much, don't you?"_

At the time she finally had the courage to reveal her heart the only thing that was there to receive her heartfelt emotions was this heartless, pitiless, unmoved silence. The only thing there to meet her silently desolate, wretched cries, her wordless, _desperate _pleas, was an empty room and that _empty_ place where he had stood only moments before.

"_Because of that…" _

This was the end. She was alone. She didn't know whether she had the courage to move forward or if she would remain trapped where she was, but there was one thing she was certain of. She had no one. She had nothing left, now.

"…_I'm sure you and Tomoe will be very happy together…"_

Nothing, except for the Alice Game, a cold and empty and meaningless existence…

"…_even though I…"_

And this silence. That was all she had left.

_I loved you first_.

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**Reviews are much, much appreciated, as always, beloved readers~! :D**


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